Things you shouldn’t do on a day off

1. Go to Ikea.

That’s all for now folks, but don’t forget to check back here during half-term week for more good advice.

By the way, if you do get sucked into a trip to Sweden’s finest, a hot dog and a donut at the tuck shop on the way out is the minimum reward, as agreed by the European Court of Human Rights.


  1. That is because Ikea will consume the entire day off.
    You are directed around by arrows on the floor, making sure that you get a good view of the Snurglink floor cushions and the Ffnaffel lampshades.
    ( by the way, what on earth do they smoke at the “lets name the products” office at Ikea )
    Having spent at least an hour looking at furniture that you don’t want, you are then confronted with kitchen stuff that you still don’t want but end up with anyway. And don’t get me started on the fabrics. Most of the stuff went out of fashion when they outlawed LSD.
    Ikea’s only redeeming feature is that they sell catering size bags of Dime Bar minis…. well they do here anyway.
    And knowing where you live….. Ikea is quite a trek. Where was it, Bristol or Croydon ?

  2. Wembley, that’s the nearest. I actually did the 37 miles home in an hour, as opposed to the 36 miles there in 1 hour 20 mins. Bloody Hanger Lane.

    It was all going quite well, I was going to do my target of in and out in less than 45 mins and get away before 15:00. And then the wife sent me a text message reminding me of linseed oil for the dining room table. This is where it started to go wrong. I asked someone where it might be, and he looked at me as if I’d asked for a unicorn playing a banjo. He told me to ask his colleague, I could barely understand what he said apart from the word ‘textiles’. Once in textiles someone else told me to look in home organisation which was next to textiles. In that department they had bees wax and various stains, but no linseed oil. Someone else said I needed to go upstairs to kitchens (great, cos I had a trolley).

    Upstairs in kitchens I found wood treatment oil (the last two cans). I asked someone “is this linseed oil?” and they admitted that they didn’t have a clue… which was reassuringly honest of them.

    Once at checkout I stood behind a woman who asked me if I could mind her trolley because she wanted to find a manager to tell them to get more people working on the tills. Then I moved queues (stupid) and waited ages behind two women from East Europe who were querying their bill.

    Stay at home guys.

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