tescodownloads.com

Tesco (the supermarket) have entered the music download market and thoroughly deserve this entry for pure appalling customer service. We bought Lauren an MP3 player for Christmas (she likes Natasha Bedingfield) and I've downloaded a few songs for her from the Tesco Downloads site. No problem with those. But then she wanted a track by Danni Minogue - I found it on the same site, paid for it (the princely sum of £0.79), downloaded it... but it wouldn't sync to the MP3 player. Looking at the file properties it says "this file cannot be synchronised" and "the license for this file cannot be backed up". The Tesco FAQ suggested downloading it again... I did and the problem continued. So, an obvious problem with the Digital Rights Management. No problem, I'll e-mail Tesco and put the problem to them. I did this on a Monday, and promptly received at automated reply telling me they were busy. By the Wednesday I was annoyed, so I sent them another e-mail. I sent another on Thursday. As I stated in my third mail to them "How likely do you think it is that I'm going to use your download site again if this is the service I get? It's bad enough that your Camberley store sells semi-defrosted ice cream." About the ice cream, that's another story.

Eventually, on the following Monday (a whole week after the first e-mail) I received a reply telling me to check the MP3 player against the compatible list, ensure that it does support WMA files, and use Media Player 10. This was a clear indication that they hadn't read my original e-mail in which I stated that I had checked the compatible list, that the player did support WMA files, that I was using Media Player 10, and (biggest clue of all that it was THEIR problem) all previous downloads had worked. So this was just a standard "we-can't-bothered" reply. I replied and told them that I'd already checked all these things (requesting that they read my e-mail again). After three days, I received another reply telling me to check that the MP3 player was on the compatible list and to ensure that it supported WMA files. Oh yeah, be sure to use Media Player 10 as well. Hadn't I already checked these things, and hadn't I already told them I'd checked these things? I replied again, telling them that I was now very annoyed, and that I wasn't a computer novice (so don't try to fob me off with crap answers).

So, two weeks, two replies, no help. Okay, I may have paid only £0.79 but it's the principle. Tesco Downloads are in the Hall of Shame for now, but I may consider removing them IF they reply this week to my satisfaction. One other piece of news - if you go to Google and search on "tesco downloads" this page (at the time of typing) is 4th in the results.

Update: After another five days I received not one but two replies. The first told me that the nice man in technical support couldn't see a difference between this track and any others on the site (but if I had any further queries, I should contact them again). So here's a little aptitude test for you all... look at the pictures below and see if you can see the difference, and which file properties belong to the one that can't be synchronised:

Tricky, huh? And what of the second e-mail. Well, this one stated "according to our systems you have requested the licence for the track 6 times and been granted it 3 times". Yeah, so? I didn't purposely request the licence... I merely followed their instructions (play the track to obtain the licence, and if there's a problem download the track and try again). And how exactly does this info help me? Well, at least they made the offer "if you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us..." - yes, I think I might.

Problem on my computer perhaps? I thought it would be worth risking another £0.79 to test this theory, so I downloaded another track that Lauren wanted. And guess what... this one worked okay. So, a mail was sent back to Tesco "customer disservice" to put these facts to them. I await their reply and will keep you posted dear readers.

Internet Explorer-only web sites

There is actually a web site (can't find it right now) that names and shames other web sites which shamelessly demand that you use Internet Explorer. I discovered one a couple of weeks ago while assisting my good friend Shaun with sorting out his sparkly new Dell. So, #1 on the list is McAfee, purveyors of virus-checking and security products - their web site demands that you use Internet Explorer to buy or renew your software subscription (which is a bit of a laugh since Internet Explorer and it's sibling Outlook Express form two of the biggest security holes on most computers). Also that evening, when trying to add extra e-mail addresses for Shaun's account, we found that the Tiscali admin tools wouldn't work with Firefox but worked okay with Internet Explorer. Tut tut.

#2 on the list isn't a big surprise - I was looking for a particular track for my daughter's MP3 player and found my way to MSN Music. "Sorry..." the error message started, "...to access this site you need:" followed by a list of Microsoft mandates. Hmmm. MSN Music do live up to their claim of having the UK's cheapest music downloads (£0.69 compared to £0.79 on iTunes and Tesco Downloads) but they want £0.01 to stream you a sample. And they want me to enter financial information in Internet Explorer. Errr, no thanks.

And finally (for now) #3 on the list is Sony's music download site, Connect-Europe. Access the home page via Firefox and they proudly announce "We have performed a system check and detected that you need to download and install the item highlighted in red...". The item highlighted in red is Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.5+, which I clearly don't need to download and install. I have Internet Explorer 6 installed already, I just choose not to use it. I had a look at the site using Internet Explorer, and found that the tracks are either £0.99 or £1.09. The selection is poor compared to iTunes, and the site is very cumbersome to navigate. So all-in-all it doesn't matter that it doesn't support Firefox, I don't think I'll be coming back anyway.

Junk mail

One of the original Hall of Shame items was junk mail hidden inside magazines, and it's spent a few years lingering around the bottom of the page. It's now time to raise back to the top of the list and refocus my hate on junk mail that comes through the letter box. The amount we're now getting is staggering... delivered by various distributors we get four local newspapers a week (with rubbish inserted within), take-away pizza and curry menus, leaflets for double-glazing, gardening services, carpet cleaning, DIY stores, and other assorted crap. And then the postman brings credit card applications, loan applications, marketing crap, brochures... the list goes on. Let me tell you something, purveyors of junk mail... it goes straight in the ****ing bin. You're wasting your time, but you're also wasting my time and my investment in bin bags.

Blue (the boy band)

I felt inspired to add this tonight after switching on one of the music channels to find the latest video by this detestable bunch of muppets playing. I switched over to another music channel to find the same video just starting. Their music is bland and without substance, although "their music" probably isn't the right phrase, because they're merely a bunch of pretty-boy vocalists with no musical talent who have their careers controlled by managers who churn out crappy boy bands like shit Eastern European cars off a production line. Blue pout, pose and ponce around like they think they're "it" and display a range of insincere hand gestures to accompany their miming (for example, the hand placed on the heart - watch one of their videos if you can bear it). I don't approve of violence, but I am tempted to say that Blue deserve to get a good kicking from a real band like the Foo Fighters or Queens of the Stone Age.

People who pre-announce their questions with...

...the phrase "question for you". Look, just don't do this, okay? It's really annoying. Is your question so earth-shatteringly important that it needs to be preceded with a statement of it's imminent arrival? No, I think not. So don't do it.

Update: I've discovered something even more irritating (well, I've been experiencing it for ages, but only now have I chosen to be sarcastic about it). It is related to the above point... it's people who say "I know you're busy, but..." and then carry on and disturb you, take up your time, or - even worse - interrupt your lunch break regardless. What they should do is be honest and say "I know you're busy, but actually I don't care as I consider my issue to be more important than what you're doing so I'm going to disturb you anyway". At least then I could argue the point and I'd respect them more.

A certain restaurant in London owned by Hollywood actors

I suppose I should name it... after all, if they were the big men they claim to be they'd take it on their collective chins and set about improving their sorry excuse for a restaurant. You expect the food to be expensive in Central London. That wasn't the problem... it was tatty, the seats were ripped and badly repaired with tape and the staff were rude and unprofessional. I can't comment on the food because we never actually got any... after sitting there for 40 minutes (and asking for service twice) they hadn't even taken our order. On the way out the girl at the entrance had the audacity to ask us if we enjoyed our meal - eventually we did, at TGI Fridays across the street.

I hope they get closed by the health inspectors and have the premises converted into something useful, like a shelter for the homeless. In the meantime, they don't deserve your custom.

Formula 1 motor racing

I once saw a comedy program that sums up how I feel about Formula 1 motor racing. They showed a clip of a race, accompanied by an excited Murray Walker-style voice saying "...and there they go, round the track, for the 57th time". That, in a nutshell, describes Formula 1 - a set of souped-up cars travelling round a track 60-odd times with only stops for fuel and new tyres to break up the boredom. And if that isn't bad enough, some German bloke always wins. Yawn.

Unrealistic variable speed limit signs on motorways

There's several things you know you just have to put up with living in England... all-year-round crap weather, inevitable defeat at various sporting events, Robbie Williams being overplayed on the radio, and of course, traffic jams. Today I had the pleasure of getting a very good look at a six-mile stretch of the M6 at Birmingham... for over an hour. Short bursts of speeds of 15, perhaps 20, mph joined together with long periods of 0 mph. Oh well, one of those things the English learn to live with. So, being in such a philosophical mood, where's the gripe? I'll tell you... it's those piss-taking variable speed limit signs that you get to sit under, proudly announcing the fact that you shouldn't exceed 40 mph. Yeah, we should be so lucky.

Earl Grey tea

Occasionally (but not very often) I make the tea in the office. I enjoy a nice cup of "working man's" tea... no-nonense, bog-standard tea made using an ordinary tea bag. But some people drink Earl Grey tea. I hate making it... it smells like your granny's bathroom and turns my stomach... almost as much as the lime marmalade my wife puts on her toast.

Television drama

I was looking through the Radio Times today (for non-UK readers, the Radio Times is the magazine that lists the television schedule) and was treated to a preview of the offerings for 2002. Perhaps 'treated' isn't the right word. What have the BBC and ITV got to offer...? Drama, drama, and more bloody drama. It's always so crap. It's either detective stories, re-hashed Victorian sagas or gritty modern-day dramas with loads of people having affairs and shouting at each other. Let's have some comedy or documentaries about interesting things like space or dinosaurs.

Travis (the Scottish 'rock' band)

God, I loathe Travis... they are so boring. Their music is so dreary and every song sounds the same. Yet they're always on the bloody radio whining along to their dull musical accompaniment. Their latest album is entitled "The Invisible Band". What a shame they're not "The Inaudible Band". Also in the category of crap that you hear too often on the radio... U2, Robbie Williams, Westlife... oh, the list goes on. It makes a collection of Smashing Pumpkins CDs all the more vital.

Orange juice (not the Scottish 'rock' band*)

Everywhere you go they serve you orange juice. On a plane you get your breakfast... and it comes with a small cup of orange juice. Go to any corporate event with a buffet or refreshments... there's the orange juice. Weddings, christenings, launches of overrated operating systems... always bloody orange juice. It's sour, it's revolting and it tastes like fruity vinegar.

* By the way, if you're wondering - Orange Juice was the name of a Scottish band which featured Edwin Collins, best known for 'Rip It Up'.

Traffic hold-ups caused by cretins driving lorries

How do you bring the traffic around a capital city to a standstill...? Simple, just let a total f***wit have control of a large vehicle. This week four drivers caused 20 miles of tailbacks on the M25 when they decided to crunch their weapons of choice together during a heavy period of rain. Some people from our office were stuck for over 3 hours. Although I missed this one, on the same day I headed for Birmingham and was delayed for over an hour because of another w*nker who had deposited his consignment of beer (so I was told) across the M40. If you listen to the traffic news on a London radio station, you'll know that such events are in fact an everyday occurrence. Let's see some sort of decent punishment for the vermin responsible for these hold-ups... make them write a letter of apology to everyone they delay.

Pop-up windows on web sites

When I mentioned this to some of my colleagues, the attitude was a bit "nudge nudge, wink wink - what web sites have you been looking at?". Eh? I don't know what they were insinuating. Well, okay, I do know what they were insinuating, but anyone who spends more than a couple of hours a week on the web will know that there are perfectly innocent sites that insist on throwing up additional windows containing adverts. And just like the seventeen invitations to apply for another credit card that I get through our letter box each week, I'm not interested in them. If I want to read some content on the web, I'll open the page through my own choice thank you very much.

Road-works

Yes, I know they have to do road-works at some point... well, the amount of traffic between Staines and Camberley is enough to wear tyre-size ruts in the A30. And think of all those Man Utd fans driving from Tunbridge Wells, Plymouth and Wokingham every couple of weeks. But do they have to take so bloody long? The answer should be 'no'. A couple of years ago we went to Florida for a week to visit my dad - instead of following the herd to Orlando we did a bizarre thing and headed in the opposite direction to a place called St Augustine, which was a two-hour trip north along an interstate highway. Apart from a large number of dead armadillos (when you hit one of those in your car you must know about it), I also noted on the opposite side of the highway a large section where they were doing something major... I don't know what, but it was the sort of thing you'd expect to take a few months in the UK. We came back the same way a week later... and they'd finished. They'd gone. All complete, not a cone in sight.

Compare this to English road-works. Motorway projects take the best part of a year. In Egham recently someone dug some large holes, and they were there for five weeks. In all that time I never once saw a single worker anywhere near them - their only companion was a set of temporary (perhaps not-very-temporary) traffic lights. And today on the A404 (the road between the M4 and M40) where it crosses the Thames, more road works. I don't know what they were doing... a lane was blocked off on each side. There were five workman present... one actually appeared to be working on something, but the other four were leaning over the side of the bridge gazing at the river. I can assure you that tomorrow (Monday) drivers on the A404 will not find this amusing. And a final thought... those four workman were probably on treble-time for 'working' on a Sunday - someone's taxes will have paid for that.

Other people's cats

I must have done something terrible in a previous life, because I carry a curse... wherever I live, other people's cats dig a hole in my front lawn and crap in it. Then they spray the conifers with whatever they spray from their back-end and kill the foliage. The really annoying thing is that cat owners seem to think this is okay, because they do nothing to stop it. Don't you think that if I let my dog perform number twos on their lawn there'd be hell to pay? Absolutely... yet these disgusting little felines (described by wildlife expert Chris Packham as 'urban murderers') get away with it.

So much for the stuff you get from the garden centre - pepper dust does nothing, and the same goes for those blue crystals. There must be some better deterrents - does anyone who where you can get a bucket of napalm? How about some anthrax? Even better, how about one of those traps...? Picture the smug little feline settling his arse down into his freshly-dug hole... the trigger snaps... you catch my drift. I'm not a cruel man, I wouldn't really want to hurt an animal (only in my dreams). However, if you own a cat, and suddenly you get some turds posted through your letterbox along with a note saying "these are yours, I believe", you'll know why.

Non-technical people in charge of technical details

What do I mean? Well, here's a couple of examples... I was in a well-known department store last weekend, and like a well-trained geek I went to the electronics department to check out the colour display on the Handspring Visor Prism. And there it was... a fine figure of a handheld computer, resplendent in it's cobalt-blue case. My eyes were drawn to the little specifications label underneath and saw these words:

- 8 mb RAM memory

Those of you who know a bit about computers may titter at this, but for those who don't, this is what we're laughing at. RAM is an acronym for 'Random Access Memory', so the above in full actually reads "8 mb Random Access Memory memory".

However, without knowing it, you're actually more likely to hear the second example several times a day without noticing. Listen to the radio or the television, and you're likely to hear an invitation to 'log on to our web site'. Log on, eh? Okay, so what's my user name and password? Let's get this clear, media thickies... you don't log on to web sites unless you do use a user name and password (like with your web banking). You browse web sites, and you log on to your Internet Service Provider. Okay...?

The National Lottery mid-week draw

Actually, it's partly my own fault that I hate the National Lottery mid-week draw... if I didn't do the same numbers every week and didn't have them committed to memory, I wouldn't be driven by superstition and habit to participate in this pointless event every Wednesday. So, I waste £4 a week rather than £2 a week for the pleasure of watching Dale Winton or some other micro-celebrity announcing six (seven if you include the bonus ball) numbers that I don't have. Actually now that they do the National Lottery Extra, it's thirteen balls that I don't have (except I'm not wasting money on that as well).

The other reason for not liking the mid-week draw is the same for not liking the Saturday draw - since the inception of the National Lottery the BBC have tried to fit some sort of light entertainment around the 30 seconds that everyone really wants to see... they've tried a number of formats, and they've all been crap. All we really want to do is watch Blind Date, turn over and see someone else's numbers come out, and then switch back over for Family Fortunes. Now, that's entertainment...

And while we're on the subject of the National Lottery...

People who win the National Lottery but say it won't change their life

Have you heard these people? They win £4 million, but they're going to stay in their one-bedroom terraced house, keep on working at the library, and carry on going on an annual holiday to Bridlington*. So what's the bloody point of doing the Lottery then? Give the cash to me... I'll let it change my life. I'll phone them on my gold-plated Nokia 6210 from my Antigua beach-front property to say thanks.

* Please note: I mean no offence to anyone who lives in Bridlington.

Cigars

Many people have expressed surprise that, as an ardent anti-smoker, I haven't included smoking in the Hall of Shame. There's a few good reasons why I haven't - smoking is a very, very delicate subject, and whereas some of the points here can be taken with a touch of mirth, some people can very upset when you start to rib them about their addiction. It also has to be said that I have friends and colleagues who smoke but are respectful of other people's dislike of their emissions.

Mind you, there's nothing like a holiday in Europe to take the non-smoker to the edge... most (perhaps all) restaurants don't have any smoking rules, and it doesn't matter where you sit, you can suddenly (and inevitably) find the table next to you wafting foul-smelling clouds in your direction.

However, the smell of cigarette smoke is nothing compared to the disgusting smell of cigars. Cigarette smoke is unpleasant, but cigar smoke is unbearable. Has someone just set fire to a dead sewer rat that's been marinated in shit for three weeks? No, someone has just ignited a big Cuban and it's emissions are wafting in your direction. Unfortunately, in a restaurant in Minorca, there's nothing to stop the cigar smoker from ruining your evening meal... but wouldn't it be nice to spoil the rest of their evening by sticking your fork in their neck on your way out? Yes, methinks...

Unnecessarily large 4-wheel drive vehicles

If you own a farm in Devon and have to spend your days skidding around muddy fields in pursuit of sheep or rustlers, fine - get one. But the streets of Surrey are flat enough for most of us to get around in a normal-sized car without wheels the size of a tractor. There are two worst places to encounter these urban tanks:

1. At t-junctions, where you can't see past one if it pulls up alongside you

2. In car parks - if one parks next to you, you have to get back in your car via the sun roof

I also think they're just plain dangerous... they may be okay sitting nine foot of the ground, but you can't see past them. This means that you can't pre-empt what's going on with the traffic - all you can see is their back-end.

Noel Edmonds

I added Noel to the Hall of Shame at it's inception, and despite Noel's House Party finishing some years ago, the thought of this odious smug little man still makes me cringe. I've always had a dream of arranging a great television program... "Pro-Celebrity Boxing". First up, Noel Edmonds vs Mike Tyson. The winner comes back the week after to take on Alex Ferguson, then Simon Mayo, and finally the pretentious wine expert Jilly Goolden.

People who park on double yellow lines...

...and then switch their hazard warning lights on, like that makes it okay. Actually I really ought to change this section to general traffic offences and crap driving... for example, the way that everyone thinks they have right of way at a roundabout if they're approaching from your right and the traffic keeps on coming so that you don't have a hope of moving (check this in the Highway Code - it says the right of way goes to the vehicle already on the roundabout). And add this - people who drive really slowly but drive slightly into the kerb as if they're saying "you can overtake me if you want". Finally, people who drive very fast in residential areas where there might be children playing... like where we live - please take note Mr BMW Coupe who lives round the corner, it's called Consort Drive you pillock, not Silverstone.

Peppers (of the green, red and yellow variety)

How often has an otherwise delicious pizza been ruined by disgusting slices of these foul-tasting vegatables? Same goes for onions... yuk. How I wish McDonalds would make their burgers without onions by default - it takes so long for Johnny No-Stars to get a special order done.

Cricket

Dull, boring, like watching paint dry... and that's being kind. People are always banging on about how badly England have fared in their test matches. My first point... we're not encouraged to play it at school. My second point... English weather is not cricket-friendly. My third point... who bloody cares?

People who pay for £2's worth of items using a credit or debit card in a supermarket...

...when there's a cash machine outside. Too complicated for you to operate, eh? And if you're gonna get cashback, ask for £50. If you get £10 you're gonna run out in two days time and then I'll have to wait behind you again.

Motorway service stations

Well, actually there's nothing wrong with service stations themselves... after all, they're the ideal place to stop when the old eye-lids get too heavy and when you want to have a free gander at the latest issue of 'Loaded'. So what's my beef...? The mark-ups. They have you captive on the motorway, and you pay for it. A cheeseburger in Burger King or Wimpy will cost you an arm, a leg, and a spleen in comparison to their high street counterparts. It doesn't stop there - I can assure you that Mars Milk and Kellogs' NutraGrain bars are significantly more expensive.

But the worst is yet to come... crisps. You cannot buy a normal-sized 30p bag of crisps in a motorway service station (I challenge you to find one where you can). They have special big bags that cost 55p. Despite not being a rich man, I can afford an extra 25p, but it's the fact that you don't have a choice of normal or large which is the rip-off.

Shop assistants who put the receipt in you hand and then place the change on top of it

I find this so irritating, and I get e-mails from people who agree with me. I want the receipt in the bag and the change in my pocket, so I don't want to have to pull the receipt out of the pile of change. It's even worse if the change contains a note, cos I want that in my wallet. The staff in Marks & Spencers don't do this to you... are they more fussy about who they hire, I wonder.

Wasps

Not the rugby team, although rugby is pretty dull too. No, those bloody annoying insects that seem to serve no purpose other than to get on your wick when you try to eat outside during one of our pathetically short English summers. Even slugs (which I also hate because they keep getting in Harry's hutch) form some part of the food chain (10 million hedgehogs can't be wrong). But what eats wasps...?

Here's a tip... on a hot sunny day get an empty soft drink can and fill the bottom with an inch of fresh orange juice. Come back in a few hours and you'll have sent quite a few of the stripey bastards to their death. Or if you're really bored, just place a slice of apple on your dustbin lid and wait with a fly swatter at the ready.

Wine

Now I'll be the first to admit that I don't really appreciate the finest food or drink...my idea of spoiling myself is ordering a huge Domino's pizza with tuna (hold the peppers) or having a McDonald's quarter-pounder with cheese (hold the onions), washed down by a big glass of Coca Cola with a big slice of lemon. Follow that with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream and I'm in lard-arse heaven.

But I just don't get the wine thing... I just can't understand it when people sniff it and sloosh it around their mouth and declare that's it's very good or okay, or fruity or has a hint of blackcurrant. To me every mouthful of wine tastes like (and here I quote one of my all-time heroes, Reginald Perrin) "weasel's piss strained through a mouldy balaclava helmet"... or what I would imagine it to taste like (having never tasted weasel's piss, strained or unstrained).

Fox hunting

There's right and wrong ways of dealing with things... if a farmer is having a problem with foxes swiping and devouring his livestock, there are humane ways of dealing with the ginger mutts. What we don't need is a bunch of chinless, in-bred, upper-class half-wits on horse-back pretending to be participating in a sport. Thumbs-up to hunt sabateours, that's what I say.