Darren in "two visits to the cinema in the same year" shock (22nd December 2001)

Yes, it's true. Less than a month after my first cinema outing of the year, I've been on another popcorn and pick 'n' mix frenzy. The film...? Something called 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring'. Apparently it's the most eagerly anticipated film of the year (oh sure, tell that to 6 million pre-teen kids). I have to confess that it wasn't eagerly anticipated by me... having never read the book I had no idea of the story or what the fuss was about.

Want a full review? Well, go to Empire Online or Rotten Tomatoes. In my opinion it veered between being incredibly spectacular one minute to totally cringe-worthy the minute after. Perhaps that's a bit unfair - it was hugely enjoyable, despite being another arse-numbing endurance test. Is this the year of the long movie? 'Barry Potter and the Marketing Franchise' was way over two-and-a-half hours long... this was nearer three hours. Luckily I'd learnt my lesson last month with the large cola.

Wanna know what happens in the end? Yeah, me too... this was only part one. I'll have to sit through two more three-hour instalments taking us up to the end of 2003 before I find out.

My final thoughts on 'The Fellowship of the Ring' - don't read on if you haven't seen the movie. Firstly the chief baddie (Sauron) who was seen briefly at the start of the film looked like a villain from Power Rangers - and I spent a long time trying to shake that image from my head. Secondly, some of the fight scenes reminded me of the Batman t.v. series. How can one man defeat twenty adversaries? Well, it's easier if they attack him one at a time rather than all bundling in at once. However, it was a visual feast on the eyes, so all-in-all it's well recommended.

dadams.co.uk tops 20,000 visits (16th December 2001)

Sometime over this weekend, probably on 15th December, this site reached the 20,000 mark. On a global perspective this is not particularly impressive... some sites get many times that figure per day. However when you consider that it took until 15th October this year to get to 10,000 visits, about three years after the birth of my site, that's quite an improvement. In other words, 10,000 visits in the last two months. The big question... why? The most likely reason is the arrival of the Dashboard skins and the links on other sites. On the other hand, it could be word of mouth about how great my site is. Okay, it's probably the Dashboard stuff. But whatever, thanks for visiting.

Multiple choice question for potential football managers (9th December 2001)

Fancy your chances at managing a Premiership football club...? Okay, try out this multiple choice question. But before you do, you'll have to read the pre-amble.

You are the manager of a top football club... during the Summer of 2001 you spent over £40 million on just two players - one looks like EastEnders' Robbie Jackson with a girl's haircut, the other looks like Emporer Ming from 'Flash Gordon'. Your team is currently seventh in the league - normally by this time of year you'd expect to be at the top. You've already lost five games - more than you normally expect to lose in an entire season - and today you have a make-or-break home game in front of over 50,000 supporters, most of whom have paid a lot of money and travelled hundreds of miles. You're in the middle of a slump and failure today will see you go eleven points behind the league leaders. So, what do you do with your two star players?

a.	Put them in the starting line-up and tell them to go all-out for the win
b.	Put them in the starting line-up but tell them to take it easy... you don't want them wearing themselves out or getting injured
c.	Put them on the bench in case you need them at some point during the game
d.	Give them the day off

If you answered anything other than 'd' pat yourself on the back... you've just shown more managerial acumen than ManYoo manager Alice Ferguson did yesterday. Despite losing two league games on the trot, he clearly thought that letting Rude van Naselspray and the bloke with the goatee go Christmas shopping would still leave enough talent on the pitch to outplay a West Ham team who would obviously have mentally lost the game before they even reached the M6. This unwise decision, coupled with leaving Beckham on the bench and continuing to field a myopic goalkeeper, means that ManYoo now have three consecutive defeats under their belt and are ninth in the table.

Arsenal meanwhile keep up their assault on second place with a 3-2 win over dirty fouling Aston Villa. I was amazed to see at the end of the game that Arsenal had four players booked and Villa had none. I mean, I've seen fewer elbows employed at a violin recital. Arsenal being Arsenal made the fans sweat for the win... 0-2 down at half-time and having to wait till stoppage time for the winner (although it would have come earlier but for the abysmal off-side decision for Wiltord's non-goal). Oh well, another three points in the bag... which leaves the mighty Gooners eight points and seven places above ManUre. That'll do nicely.

The evil empire strikes back (5th December 2001)

So, Windows XP... looks nice doesn't it? All those tasty colourful icons and fading menus. Well worth the upgrade fee and the time invested installing it. Or is it? Here's a cautionary tale.

My good friend 'CyberDave' decided to upgrade his home computer to XP, and was left without an Internet connection for nearly two weeks. Why...? Because XP refused to recognise that the computer had a modem installed. Now before you start thinking 'thicky user' let me tell you that CyberDave has worked in the computer industry for a good many years and currently works as a consultant for an e-business company (or something like that). Anyway, suffice to say he's no mug when it comes to computers - yet he couldn't get it working.

I was there when XP, the operating system with modem snobbery, was not on speaking terms to some peripheral devices. The most amusing thing (not) was Microsoft's disgustingly patronising trouble-shooting guide - when you go for inoperable modem support it asks you questions like "do you actually own a modem?" and "it is connected to your computer?". The question it fails to ask you is what would be the most pertinent... "was your modem working properly before you installed our new and barely-tested operating system?". Well, we could say 'yes' to that one. Then, to top it all, when the trouble-shooter has finished with the stupid questions (I think the last one was "has your modem been eaten by termites?") it suggests you look through the XP approved modem list. Where is this list available? You've guessed it, on the Microsoft site... and connection to the Microsoft site at this juncture requires... ah, you're getting the hang of this now... a working modem.

And thus I was very amused by the shameful defacing of an XP advert in London. Some bright and brave spark had leant over the edge of a bridge to convert the slogan "Suddenly everything clicks" to "Suddenly everything sucks". Bravo.

And one last thing... this week I received a virus via e-mail, sent from a friend's Outlook client. It was one of those that looks through the user's address book and mails itself on. I laugh in the face of such viruses - not only does Norton AntiVirus immediately quarantine it, but Lotus Notes also contains a rather neat feature called an Execution Control List which stops the actions of viruses dead in their tracks. However, people continue to use Outlook because it looks nice and because they like the icons. Which brings us full-circle back to XP.

Ladies, look away now (3rd December 2001)

Why...? Because we're talking football again, that's why. The race for the Premiership doesn't look like being a two-horse affair again this year, but one thing seems to be consistent - Arsenal being in second place. The difference this year is that Liverpool are setting the pace rather than Surrey's favourite team, Moan Utd. Dame Alice Ferguson's multi-shirted men aren't even third... that's Leeds. They're not even fourth. Isn't this great? Let's enjoy a look at the Premiership table as we approach the end of Monday 3rd December 2001...

Team Played Won Drawn Lost Goal diff. Points 1 Liverpool 13 9 2 2 12 29 2 Arsenal 14 7 5 2 15 26 3 Leeds 14 6 7 1 8 25 4 Newcastle 14 7 3 4 6 24 7 ManYoo 14 6 3 5 5 21

Seventh place... ho ho. Let's remember that this was the team that spent over £40 million on two players during the summer. And where has it got them? Having said that, anyone who bets against ManUre being in the top three come the end of the season is a complete mug. It could all change in the space of two weeks. So let's just enjoy that snapshot of the table as it stands.

Now, how about this for spooky...? ManYoo have been beaten five lovely times this season - their conquerors have been Bolton, Liverpool, Arsenal, Newcastle and Chelsea. Okay, take the initial of each of those teams and whaddya get...? 'Blanc'. As in 'Laurent Blanc', the aging Gallic superman brought in to replace Jaap Stam, sure up the defence and make a world-class player out of Wes Brown. This is also the man who was lucky to stay on the pitch against Arsenal after several bookable offences, and the man who has been caught napping and beaten for pace by just about every striker to take to the field against ManYoo.

Right, that's the end of the football (for now)... witty stuff next time. That'll make a change.

Oh no, not more football chit-chat (25th November 2001)

Yeah, I know... I don't want to turn this into a football-orientated page but this is a special occasion... as I mentioned further down the page three weeks ago I love it when Arsenal win and Moan Utd lose. So today was a wonderful day. Arsenal have been a constant disappointment this season, lacking passion and commitment, and generally failing to deliver the goods against mediocre opposition. But today was different. The Gunners appeared to have a bit of fire in their bellies, and they wanted to win the game. ManYoo were quite frankly flattered by the 3-1 result... Ljungberg, Kanu, Henry and Pires all spurned chances to turn the result into an embarrassment for football's gum-chewing Mr Miserable. When ManYoo went in 0-1 up at the break they must have known they were living on borrowed time. And sure enough Arsenal's supreme dominance showed in the second half, despite ManYoo's continued strategy to get every Arsenal player stretchered off the pitch.

However, you can always trust ManYoo to put a damper on things. The post-match reports will not focus on the fact that Arsenal had over 60% of the possession, or on the fact that they had four times as many shots on goal. No, it will focus on the fact that the slap-headed super-model-shagging clown-prince of goalkeepers, Fabien Barthez, gifted Arsenal the final two goals with two rather comical blunders. Arsenal would have won it anyway, but you could get the feeling that Barthez did it on purpose to spare the blushes of his team-mates. Well, it beats their other tactic of getting players sent off to get a "Ten-man United lose"-type headline.

Whatever, Arsenal are now 3rd in the table, Moan Utd are 6th. Lovely... right, now for Liverpool.

Oh, one other thing... for a far better match review go to Gary Craig's Red Geezer site.

Tales from Paris (24th November 2001)

Ah, the jet-set lifestyle. But can you claim a jet-set lifestyle if you've been there on the train? Anyway, I was considering a new entry in the Hall of Shame, but I've decided to discuss it here. Paris taxi drivers... why do they all give the impression that this is their first day on the job having just arrived in Paris from Iceland or the Maldives? Surely knowing something about the geography of the city is a bonus in that line of work? Take last night for example when we ventured out in the Paris traffic to meet up at a restaurant - I know roughly where the Gare Saint-Lazare is, and only I've been to Paris five or six times. We even gave the taxi driver a photocopied map which also included landmarks such as the National Library. But no, he has to get out his own map, and then throw his hands up, shrugs his shoulders and sticks out his bottom lip in a manner so stereotypical that his fellow countrymen would have wanted to lynch him. We walked the last 100 yards (sorry, metres) because I could see from the map that we were nearby but travelling in the wrong direction.

The driver for the return journey was even worse... not only did he not about hotels in the 'La Defense' area, he also didn't know about the use of soap. Clear directions were given... the same shrug, the same gesture with the hands, the same protruding bottom lip. Even after it became clear that none of us were fluent in French (I can only get by on the basics) he continued to jabber away in his native tongue and then look at us as if expecting an answer. To top it all, it became apparent that he didn't know about how the gears on a manual car work - either that or every gear except third was busted. So whether it was tearing along an open road, or suddenly moving across the eight lanes of traffic around the Arc de Triomphe, he was in third gear. A complete arsehole, and a smelly one too. Here's a thought... if London cabbies (bless 'em) spend a few years doing 'the knowledge', do Paris taxi drivers spend a couple of months doing 'the ignorance'?

Harry Potter and the big bucket of popcorn (23rd November 2001)

I can't believe that there's so many films I've wanted to see this year, and the first one I end up seeing is one meant for kids. Mind you, the cinema was full of adults... I think I saw a few nippers, but they were hugely outnumbered by people way past puberty. I passed on seeing Spielberg's 'A.I. - Artificial Insemination' and Brendan Fraser in 'There Goes that Mummy Again', yet here I was watching a kid's movie about a pre-pubescent conjurer.

Some people have adopted a strange attitude to the Harry Potter movie. I went with some work colleagues, but a select few refused to go citing that they 'haven't read the book yet'. Does that matter...? Do you have to sit some sort of entrance exam before they let you in the cinema? Ask yourself, how many times have you seen a film without reading the book first... and why should Harry Potter be any different?

So what about the film itself? Well, it's quite good actually. Perhaps a bit lacking on story, and a large part of the movie is spent setting-up the Harry Potter legend. The next one should be better in that respect because we'll know who he is and why he's there. The first three hours were a bit slow to get going, the last two hours were quite exciting. Yes, it's a fairly long movie... blessed as I am with a bladder like a space hopper, even I was squirming towards the end (that'll serve me right for investing in a 3 litre cup of Coca Cola to go with the horse trough full of popcorn). Actually it was a very large bag of popcorn indeed (well, not according to the popcorn stall - it was billed as medium - the large one was served in a dustbin liner) - I couldn't finish it, and I still had some pick 'n' mix the next day. All this after passing by the Ben & Jerry's kiosk. Now I know why I don't go to the cinema very often - my waistline couldn't bear the strain.

It's not over till the fat bloke sings (18th November 2001)

Apologies to anyone who's surfed here and doesn't live in the UK - you won't know what I'm talking about. British television is becoming increasingly dominated by programs featuring real people. It started with the 'fly on the wall' documentaries about everyone from airport workers to shop assistants to vets. Then with programs such as 'This is My Moment' and 'Pop Stars' the Great British public got to stand up and croon in front of their peers. The latest incarnation of this trend is called 'Pop Idol'.

Unless you've spent the last two months in a cave in the middle of remote countryside (well, that accounts for one shit-head anyway) you'll be familiar with the premise of 'Pop Idol'. Young people between the ages of 16 and 26 get a shot at becoming a... errrr... pop idol. Thousands of people auditioned in front of a panel of four judges who were clearly given the mandate that reducing anyone substandard to tears is great t.v. And they were right... it becomes infectious viewing - in fact once the detritus was abandoned and we were left with 100 people who actually can sing, the fun tails off a bit.

So where does the fat bloke come in? Well, this is where it gets interesting. The point of 'Pop Idol' is to find a pop idol. To most, a pop idol summons images of someone who is devastatingly attractive and might, as a bonus, be able to sing. It doesn't summon an image of someone so large that they have their own gravitational pull and more chins than the Peking telephone directory. Enter Mr Rik Waller, a 20 stone guy with a fantastic singing voice and a pair of shoes that he only sees when he takes them off. Rik has made it through to the final fifty, despite one judge's lament that he doesn't fit the bill of a pop idol. Perhaps not, but the wonderful thing about 'Pop Idol' is that the public choose. Last week I received a chain e-mail telling everyone to vote for Rik - I urge you to do this. Music is about talent, which he has. Life should be about being yourself, not someone else's image of what you should be like.

Update... Rik got through to the final ten, and then had to to pull out due to a throat infection. Cue conspiracy theories about him being paid off because the organisers didn't want to hand a lucrative recording contract to someone who didn't really fit the aesthetic requirements. Darius, who came third in Rik's heat, steps into the breach, and survives into the final three before getting voted off.

A new look (16th November 2001)

Welcome to the new look site. I give the site a major re-vamp about once a year, usually because I get bored with the old look. This year I've also moved to a new web design tool - Macromedia Dreamweaver 4 - which has allowed me to do some funky things (like the expand / collapse text on this page, and the scrolling box in the 'About me' page*). In the defence of my old favourite - NetObjects Fusion - there are some things that aren't as easy... for example, I had to make up the graphics for the navigation bar myself (Fusion auto-generates them for you). But there's loads of pluses for Dreamweaver, and you can expect more as the site develops further. You lucky people.

* These features have since been removed due the fact that they don't work with all browsers.

A word or two about modern art (12th November 2001)

I can't remember how we got onto the subject, but the wife informed me that some art award had been given to an exhibit that consisted of two flashing lights in an empty room. A quick search of the BBC news web site revealed that this was (nearly) true... an exhibit consisting of two flashing lights in an empty room had been short-listed for the Turner Prize. And this merely confirms what I've always believed... modern art is not, in most cases, artistic - merely rubbish admired and promoted by pretentious twats.

If you need any further proof of this, there was another recent article on the BBC news site that made me cheer for the average man-in-the-street. A cleaner at the Tate Modern got into a bit of hot water because he cleared away a pile of rubbish. Isn't that his job? Well, normally... except this pile of rubbish had been placed there by modern artist Damien Hirst - and it therefore qualified as an art exhibit. In the process the cleaner, who is probably paid less than your average art critic by several orders of magnitude, showed an enormous measure of savvy and taste - he saw the exhibit for what it really was... a big pile of crap.

Let's face it, if I nailed six corn beef tins and a dead squirrel to a piece of chipboard, the jumped-up curators of the Tate Modern wouldn't be falling over themselves to hang it on the wall. If Damien Hirst nailed six corn beef tins and a dead squirrel to a piece of chipboard, they'd be choosing a spot for it while writing out a big lottery-funded cheque. But I guess it serves me right for not having the foresight to stick a dead sheep in a tank of preserving fluid when I had the chance to.

Make your mind up (5th November 2001)

Sorry to be discussing toiletries, but this needs to be brought into the open. When I got a can of under-arm squirty stuff out of the bathroom cabinet today I noted that it was, quote, 'New and Improved'. Well hang on a minute... something can't be 'new' and 'improved'. If it's new, it can't be improved upon since there was nothing in the first place to actually improve. If it's improved, there must have been something to improve upon, and therefore it can't be new.

By the way - and this is totally unconnected - I know it was only the Worthington Cup and therefore meaningless, but I'd like to point out that Arsenal beat ManYoo 4-0 tonight. So what if the teams mostly consisted of bit-part players who stand as much chance of starting a Premiership match as I have of winning the Grand National... the history books will show that Arsenal beat Man Utd 4-0, and that Sylvain Wiltord found his playing level at last.

Don't mention football... or traffic (5th November 2001)

On Saturday night I had a great idea - tomorrow will be Sunday (clever, huh?) and according to the weather forecast it won't be raining... so let's go to London Zoo. We'll drive to Regents Park rather than get the train... despite the fact that Leicester Square will be full of pampered celebs and their spawney offspring for the world premiere of 'Harry Potter and the Big Bag of Cash', there won't be much traffic. Unfortunately I didn't take into account the Great British motorist's collective inability to not have an accident, and what should have taken one hour took just over two hours thanks to the resulting closure of the A4 (which we happened to be on at the time).

Mind you, that's nothing compared the journey my wife and sister (and two offspring) endured on the Friday before. Thanks to yet another wayward motorist, the M3 was closed, and the normal one hour journey to my brother's house near Southampton turned into four hours. Needless to say, I'm really looking forward to a drive to Manchester this week coming. Might be a good idea to stock up on the Harry Potter stories on CD... then I can see what all the bloody fuss is about.

So, that's the traffic... what about the football? As an Arsenal fan there can be two great events in any one weekend. The first is Arsenal winning. The second, despite an increasing yet begrudging respect for Mr Beckham, is Moan Utd losing. Already this season I've been a bit spoilt on the Moan Utd defeat quota - and they just scraped a draw in the last minute against Leeds last week (and Bolton, despite daring to draw at Highbury, are footballing gods). So, another weekend, another Moan Utd defeat, this time at the hands of Liverpool. No doubt the ever-cheerful Mr Ferguson will claim that they're growing the wrong sort of turf at Anfield.

However, one thing you can't do this season is underestimate Arsenal's ability to disappoint. They should be slaughtering the likes of Charlton. Unfortunately no-one told Charlton this fact, and the Arsenal team seem to be oblivious as well. What's the point of ManYoo getting whipped in the Gunners can't take advantage? Arsenal have a great squad full of individually good players... but at training this week Mr Wenger ought to introduce them to each other, and then discuss the role of the big white wooden frame with the net in their future success.